Adults need to be adults

I am a murderer and a ruiner of a snow day.

Today it was snowy and so the schools were closed and on a rare zenith both Zach and my boss’ 12 year old son had the day off. So, I brought out Zach to hang out with my boss’ 12 year old son and epic fun was in store. We were messing around having a snowball fight with the 12’s older sister in the snow early in the day and I was down near the chicken coop when I saw her. One of the white chickens was laying down in the mud, legs splayed out to the side, covered in blood and the other chickens were pecking at her. It’s so disturbing to see animal on animal crime and immediately I was unsettled. Realizing that this poor chicken was beyond hope the kids starting to come over on account of my yells, I was trying to figure out what to do. The farm hand was off today and it was early in the day so it’d be hours before my boss could come home to finish it off. I decided I’d drive it into the woods so the coyotes could have a nice supper, however, the ranger wouldn’t start so I was left with no option but to walk it into the woods. The 16 and both 12’s agreed that it’d be hours before a coyote got it and that we should end it sooner. Holding this poor quivering chicken in my hands I realized it would fall to me to put this poor animal out of its misery. So the kids followed me into the woods on what would become the death march that ended the snow day fun.

I didn’t know what I was thinking would happen but we decided that we should put it in the creek and then I decided I couldn’t just let it float down, I had to drown it.

So there I was , the woods bathed in white snow and sunlight, holding a shivering chicken realizing that I had to drown it. I have never killed anything in my life but bugs. I’ll spare you the particulars but the kids stood there watching me for what seemed like an eternity as I held the chicken underwater with tears streaming down my face. After it stopped moving I walked it deeper into the woods and rested the chicken in a tree stump on the property line. As I walked back towards the creek I noticed the kids staring at where I had been and listlessly poking with sticks or kicking rocks. I couldn’t look any of them in the eye.

It hit me as we were walking back to the house that I selfishly wanted the company with me as I had to do the deed, for no other reason than I don’t know if I’d have had to courage to really put it out of its misery alone. I couldn’t see beyond the task I had to accomplish to see how it might affect those around me. I was struck by how I should have behaved like the adult in the situation and sent them back to house to spare those kids the horror of watching a living thing die.  No matter how mature you are, watching the life leave another being is disturbing. It feels as if a part of you leaves with the breath that ceases to return. I took that bit of innocence from those kids today as they watched another life die and none of us walked out of those woods the same person we walked in. I know some might say it was just a chicken but truly it was a loss of life and innocence. I regret that I couldn’t see beyond myself to spare those kids some loss of theirs because after all, innocence is like life, once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. So if you ever have a chance to protect someone’s innocence, protect it with your life because it is just as precious.

Twenty seven I wanna go to heaven….

From November 18, 2010… Not sure why I didn’t publish this.

Monday was my birthday.
I am now 27.
I don’t know how to feel about it.
I am lucky to have been lavished in birthday celebrations from friends near and dear over the past week and have felt nothing but loved as I’m attempting to age gracefully.
At one of my birthday dinners, someone asked me, “How do you feel about 26? Was it a good year?”
My initial reaction was yeah, it was a pretty good year. As I thought over the past twelve months of my life, I realized there were some very high moments: skydiving for my birthday last year, puerto rico this spring, celebrating weddings, birthdays, graduations. However, this year was also punctuated with many sad things as well: I worked too much. I spent time on relationships in which I wasn’t appreciated. I lost track of some people and had a hard time keeping in touch with others. I stopped running. I lost one of my best friends. My dear old dog died. My house that I have loved so dearly is no longer where I’ll be living. I made some bad choices and some good ones. I didn’t keep promises to myself and the progress I made seemed insignificant in comparison with years past.

All of this up and down, happiness laced disappointment, has made me yearn for heaven. Those feelings coupled with my desire to make good on my promise of reading the bible in the a year, has found me in Revelation and the images of heaven have captivated me more than before. I yearn for the day when I have one thing to do: worship the one who holds my heart in his hands. I am ready for no more tears, no more struggle, disappointment, heartbreak.. I’m ready for complete sanctification. I’m tired of making strides only to see how much farther I have to go. However, Revelation tells us that the road to that day is long and the journey hard and there is a significant mountain to summit before we reach our destiny. Yet, the hope that we have in Christ is so tangible to me these days because it’s so comforting to know that this world is not the end. It’s the only way to stay here and endure the tension, I consistently wonder how those without Christ make it through each day. Unfailing love has touched my heart as I’ve come face to face with my humanity and my sin.

So Happy Birthday to me, I’ll keep my head down and keep putting one foot in front of the other, my eyes fixed on the Eastern horizon.

Pretty close to heavenly