How I’m wired

Have you ever pulled the back off a TV or looked under the hood of a car and been fascinated by the trails of wires ? I’m often overwhelmed by the intricacies of the many things that have wires in our lives. It scares me that by the mere tweaking, crossing or cutting of one or two of those wires, functionality  completely disappears. When jump starting a car, if you put those cables on the wrong battery terminals, you’ve got a serious problem on your hands.
Like those cars and TVs, we become “wired” mentally in our ability to live our lives. We learn to not touch hot stoves, look before we cross the street and to avoid general evils because we become “wired” to do so. Our experiences become part of our operating systems that help us get from one day to the next. I’ve been contemplating my “wiring” lately as I’ve suddenly got the urge to uproot my life and change everything again. I can’t help but wonder why?

I like my job.

I love my roommates.

I like my house.

I love having my family close.

I’ve made plenty of changes to life this year.

Why the sudden urge to change things again? Why do I feel so stuck when the reality of my circumstances are that I’m anything but that?

It’s how I’m wired.

Some background: I’ve been part of the workforce since spring of 2001 when I was officially added to the payroll at my first job. I worked there until August of 2002 when I moved to Portland for school. This was my first two-week pay period, clock in, clock out, job. I held it for a year and half. Since that first job, almost every job I’ve had since then, I’ve held for a year, to a year and a half. I start looking for a way out at about a year and by a year and a half of employment, I’m out the door.

As of the middle of March (official date unknown) I’ve been working at my job a year. I’m starting to look. I’m finding the most ridiculous reasons to be unhappy where I’m at. It’s how I’m wired and I hate it. I have no reason to be unhappy at my job. Is it what I thought I’d be doing? No. Is it a job worthy of a reality TV show? Maybe. I didn’t get why the sudden unsettling feeling had come over me until it hit me recently. This is a pattern in my life of only working a job for a year to a year and a half. I don’t like it.  It’s comical to me that suddenly I have to fight with myself to be content. To find reasons to stay where I’m at is new since I’ve lived very much in the “bloom where you’re planted” philosophy. I’m wired to start looking at this point and I’m finding it difficult to change that wiring. In the same way I’d have no idea where to reconnect the wires from my car battery to the engine should I disconnect them, I have no idea how I’ll react to staying at my job. I’m going against the way things have been done in my life and it’s an odd place to be. My family will attest to the fact that the emails have invariable come at the year mark announcing the latest and greatest plan and for the first time, their in-boxes will be empty. However, I’m finding solace in the fact that for the first time in my adult life, the change is that there is no change.


3 thoughts on “How I’m wired

  1. RACH! Oh my goodness, how I miss you! I’m going through the same thing! I LOVE LLS and feel very comfortable in my job and love what I do, but June marks 3 years in Vegas and I’m FREAKING out about it. I feel like if I don’t leave at 3 years exactly, I never will. I’m constantly looking for opportunities to do what I do in other cities, yet I love the life that I have here.

    Come back to me!!!!!!

  2. Rach!
    I am very familiar with this feeling I’ve termed it the need to “burn my life down.” It comes and goes and I start to feel this itch to burn it all to the ground and start over again. Usually it’s a desire to move forward but I (for some reason) feel the need to destroy what I’ve built so I know there is no way I can come back to it.

    It doesn’t make a lot of sense and my biggest fear in the world is that it will never go away. And someday I’ll be settled into a beautiful life that I hate for no reason other than I carry this need to burn it all down.

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